Realizations
by cordelia002
Summary: When tragedy hits Lorelai at the same age as she was when she left her mother, it makes her think about her choices and her relationship with her mother.
1. Chapter 1

Lorelai had always had to be the master of her own life

_This story does involve the death of a major character. Rory Gilmore does die in this story. BUT, I didn't kill her off because I don't like her. I had her die in this story to see the redemption between Lorelai and Emily. I was thinking about Lorelai and Emily's relationship, and was asking myself, what it would take to force them to have a relationship again, and I realized that if Lorelai lost her daughter at the same time Emily had, they would have common ground, and I think that that would be the very thing to heal their relationship. So read on, and watch Lorelai and Emily open up their hearts like you have never seen them do before. All barriers are down, both are left very vulnerable. I think that this is the perfect making for the mother/daughter relationship that I believe they have both longed for years._

_I do not own Gilmore Girls or the characters in any way._

**Chapter 1**

Lorelai had always had to be the master of her own life. Nothing was supposed to happen without her permission. She didn't know how to deal with this. She didn't even know where to begin. But the doctor was still talking, and she needed to keep listening. He was telling her everything that they had done to try to save her daughter, and what she needed to do now. The last thing that the doctor said was that he wasn't allowing her to drive herself home. She had to call a friend.

That was fine; she didn't think she could really move right now anyways. She couldn't even focus on who to call. The whole room was spinning, and everything was kind of blurry. Being the only person in the world that knew that Rory was dead was a really weird feeling. She tried to make a decision who to call. Sookie was out of the question, she would be too upset to drive, much like the doctor thought that Lorelai would be. Luke would drop everything and come to her side, but he loved Rory as much as Lorelai had and she wasn't sure she could hurt him that much right this second. She found it kind of funny, that she longed for her mother. She was sure that in a normal family, that was who would be called without a question, but this family was not normal, and calling her mother was not an option. But now she was stuck, who should she call? Someone that wasn't overly attached to Rory, someone that could help her make something out of this instead of add their own grief to it. And then it came to her. The only person it made sense to call.

Christopher was there within the hour, and ran through the door looking for her. He had had no idea about the accident and had a million questions for her. But looking into her eyes, he could tell that she didn't want to answer any questions right now. They checked out at the front desk, and he guided her to his car. The only question he asked was whether she wanted to go to her house or his. She answered hers, and ducked into his car. No, the people of Stars Hollow would not be fun to face, but if she didn't come home tonight, every single one of them would call her so she might as well go home.

It was a long trip home. Lorelai hadn't really thought about how long it took to get up to the New York hospital, she must have been too dazed. But the drive home was miserable. Both Lorelai and Christopher were silent and uncomfortable, each knowing there was a lot to say, but not ready to talk. So it was quite a drive, and it was very late when they drove through town. She ignored all the people jumping to windows as they realized that Lorelai was coming home. She was sure they were wondering what was going on being Rory wasn't with her. They had no idea that the town princess was gone. And she wasn't ready to tell them. When they got home, Lorelai was ready to flop on the bed and crash, but first they closed all the windows and drapes. Then they just sat on the couch not talking-again. Christopher asked if she was hungry, and she said no and got up and went up the stairs to her bedroom. She swallowed a couple of the pills the doctor had given her to help her sleep and laid down. She wanted it all to disappear- if only for a couple of hours.

Six hours later, at 5 am she woke up with a massive headache. As everything happening the night before came back to her, she crashed back down into her pillows. She instinctively picked up and looked at her cell phone, and despite everything had to smile at this crazy town. Luke had left 12 messages, Sookie had left 10, Miss Patty had left 8, and Babbette had left 24. She had 54 messages on her phone, and every single one of them was etched with concern and love for her and Rory. Everyone in town had seen her and Chris come home without Rory. She tried to get herself up, but her limbs seemed very heavy. She just laid back down for awhile. Listening to the messages again, she cried.

She had no idea where to start. She guessed that there was a lot do, but it all seemed very daunting. When she finally did get up she prayed Chris was still there. She needed some support, and didn't have any intention of telling anyone for a little while longer. She was in luck, not only was he there, he had coffee ready for her. She stumbled into the kitchen, and plopped into a chair. She had no idea what to say to this man in front of her. She couldn't look at him, she was feeling too much. She couldn't even place what she was feeling, but it was very heavy. She realized that if it wasn't for Rory, Chris could have had the life he had wanted. All of his plans, everything was changed instantly when she told him she was pregnant. Now, it all didn't seem worth it. Like they had taken a sixteen year round-about, and now were back to the beginning. She had no idea how to express all this yet. So she just slurped her coffee.

"Lorelai, when are you telling the town what happened? If they are anything like what I remember they will be storming the house soon." Christopher asked after several minutes of silence.

"I don't know. I'm really not ready to talk about it. At all." She answered. "But you are right, I do need to tell them."

"I think that they could help you Lor. They're wacko, but they have always been there for both of you."

"Yeah, you are right."

Just then the phone rang. Lorelai took a deep breath, and answered it. "Hello?"

"Hi honey. What happened last night? I know Dean and Rory went to New York last night, but then everyone saw you speeding out of here, and then come back with Chris. Did something happen?"

"Ok Sookie, I need you to calm down. Honey, Rory die-. She didn't-. She died honey." Lorelai took a breath, and waited to hear what her dearest friend would say.

"Oh Lorelai." Was all she could get out before the tears came. "I don-. I jus-. Honey, what happened?"

"They were in an accident on the way to New York, a drunk hit the car, and they both died in the hospital last night."

"Oh honey, what's- how, what is going to happen now? I want you to know that I love….-d that girl. And I can come right over and help."

"Sweetie, Chris is still here, and we are working through it, will you make my excuses at work today? And I will let you help me a little later." After she hung up she turned to Chris, "Chris I can't do this again. It's too awful."

"Ok Lor, it's ok."

"No, it's not. A million more people are going to call and I have to tell them that the town's precious angel is gone."

"This will be ok Lor. It will."

"I don't see how. Two families are completely torn apart. I haven't even talked to Dean's mom. She must be hysterical. How rude of me is it not to go talk to her? Horrible. It's horrible." With that she crumpled into Chris, and just cried and cried.

Chris tried to calm her down, but he was upset too. "Lorelai, really they should come talk to us, their son was driving the car that killed them both."

When Lorelai could speak again, and was starting to calm down, all of the thoughts that she had been having about Chris's life came rushing back to her- and this time she couldn't keep them inside. "Chris, it just feels like this thing was such a waste if she wasn't even going to live. I mean- all our plans changed, everything was focused on the fact that we were pregnant. Both our lives would be so different if- if she wasn't even born. I'm not trying to be selfish, I'm just thinking that if in the grand scheme of things, the plan was for us to change all of our plans for Rory, and then for her to die at sixteen, it just seems like a waste. A big waste. You know?"

"Yeah, I understand. Lorelai I do. But I think that we were meant to have her. Even if was just for awhile. These last sixteen years we both have grown a lot. Maybe we were supposed to meet the people that we have met, and live where we have lived- just for awhile. And now we are supposed to go back to the original plan. In some ways."

Lorelai knew where he was going with that, and wiggled out of his arms so that he wouldn't continue. She would have to talk about this kind of stuff with someone else, Chris was too attached. He loved her too much.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

_I know you don't like me for killing off Rory. But just hear me out. I am exploring the Lorelai/Emily relationship. This has nothing to do with Rory. _

_I don't own Gilmore Girls; I just like to write stories about them!_

**Chapter 2**

As the phone rang for the millionth time that day, she knew she couldn't keep avoiding it. Everyone in town had called. Several times each. Finally she answered the phone. This time it was Luke, and the sound of his voice so sweet and caring instantly made her cry. "Hi Luke" she finally get out in a croak.

If he had any doubt that something was wrong before, that hi finished it off. He wasn't sure what to say, but he knew she needed him. "What's wrong Lorelai?"

"Um, well. See. Remember how Dean and Rory went out for their anniversary? There was an accident. And both died." She cringed not knowing how he would react. She probably should have called Luke instead of Chris the night before. They could talk about more.

"Wow" was all Luke said for several minutes, and then he cleared his throat and turned into 'Mr. Fix-it Luke'. "I'll be over with food in ten minutes." And hung up the phone before she could tell him not to come. As Lorelai heard the dial tone she smiled a little. Luke was still Luke.

Seeing Luke run around trying to shut down the diner had everyone more concerned then they had been before. Something was wrong with Lorelai and Rory. But no one knew exactly what. But watching Luke get grumpier and grumpier with the people that were slow in leaving made them think it was a very big deal. Something was drastically wrong.

Babbette tried to put all the pieces together as she got up from her seat in the diner. She and Miss Patty had already been discussing it, but now there was more evidence that something was wrong. She was trying to think of the last time that she had seen Rory. She had been getting all dressed up for something……what was it? DEAN! It suddenly all came back to her. "You don't think that Dean and Rory ran away do you?" she whispered to Miss Patty.

"No, I am starting to think that it's bigger then that" Answered Miss Patty who hadn't taken her eyes off Luke. She was very surprised to see Luke looking a little teary as shooed everyone out. "Lets go to your house and snoop." And they both left the diner.

Walking to Babbette's house they watched everyone around them trying to find clues of what was wrong. They had been doing this for years and did it instinctively. They noticed that everyone was home at Dean's house at mid-morning which was weird. And as Luke almost ran them over trying to get to Lorelai's house in a hurry, they saw tears running down Luke's cheeks. They both looked on in shock, trying to remember the last time they had seen Luke cry. Probably when Rachel left the last time they figured. But still it was a big deal. Very unnerved they went into Babbette's house and opened the window facing Lorelai's house. They weren't surprised to see that Christopher's car was still in the drive way but what they still couldn't figure out was where Lorelai's was. Babbette had seen Lorelai race out of the driveway late the night before.

As all the pieces fell together, they both gasped. Rory was gone. Rory was gone. They had their moment of shock, and then called everyone in town.

Before Luke got to the house, Lorelai realized that she must look horrible. She walked into the bathroom, but then realized that she didn't care. Her eyes were very red, and her nose matched them. She hadn't taken off her clothes the night before and everything was wrinkled and wet from her tears.

When Luke knocked on the door, Chris was downstairs so he answered. Being he had been expecting an ambush from the town at any moment, he wasn't surprised to hear it.

Luke hadn't expected Chris to be there, and was a little hurt. He thought that he would get to be the guy to fix this (if anyone could do that) but Christopher being there ruined any hope of that. So all Luke said was "I made some food for you guys. I hope it will help." He wanted to ask for Lorelai, to hug her and make sure she was doing ok. But Chris was staring at him, and Luke knew that Lorelai probably loved Chris still. So instead he just walked back down the driveway.

Chris called "Thanks" as he closed the door. He saw Luke as a threat, but right now wasn't the time to have that out.

He yelled up the stairs that Luke had been there and had brought food. And Lorelai came down the stairs after a couple minutes. She had hoped to see and talk to Luke, but apparently that was out of the question now. A little disappointed she dug into her burger.

It was Thursday, and something that hadn't even occurred to Lorelai yet, but had occurred to Chris was Friday Night Dinner the next night. He was trying to figure out a way to get her out of it, but so far had nothing. The grandparents didn't know about Rory's accident, but they wouldn't be able to hide it especially at Friday Night Dinner.

Lorelai was quietly eating her food, and Chris kept looking at her, deciding if this was the time to bring all that up. He decided that he had to, even if it wouldn't be a nice conversation. "Lore?" he started carefully.

She looked up, but she knew he wanted to talk about the accident that made her instantly cry. She put down her burger, and let herself cry. Chris got up and sat next to her instead of across from her. "I just want to know what happened Lore." That wasn't all he wanted to talk about, but if they started there, he thought that he could steer the conversation towards the Grandparents.

She opened her eyes, and hugged him tight. "Ok." Was all she said. She started crying again but he patiently waited. Letting his feelings go, he cried too. They sat there crying for quite awhile, and probably would have continued except they were interrupted by rustling by the window. They both jumped up startled. Chris walked toward the window to look around, and saw Kirk in the bushes looking in, and everyone who lived in Stars Hollow out in the yard. Chris wasn't sure what to do. He wanted to show Lorelai that everyone cared about her, but he also wanted to give her the space she needed. He motioned for her to come to him, and showed her what was going on.

Lorelai was touched. She cried and laughed, as she walked towards the front door, to talk to everyone. When the crowd saw the door opening they moved in closer. Lorelai was astonished to see that everyone looked like they had been crying. They were also holding balloons, flowers and food. Lorelai put her hand to her mouth as she realized how much people cared. She wasn't sure what to do, there was so much to say, instead she asked everyone to come inside, and drop off the food and presents. As everyone came in, they had something to say and a hug for Lorelai. _"Crazy prying town_" was what Lorelai was thinking through most it. She really wasn't ready to talk to every about it, and couldn't really process anything right now, so it was hard to see everyone. But she also knew that they would have broken down the door to get to her soon. So this was a good plan. As overwhelming as the towns prying can be sometimes, they saw that Lorelai and Chris needed them to leave once they dropped off their presents. They weren't fully satisfied, as they wanted to know the whole story, but they respected Lorelai's need to be alone and work this all out. So with one last hug each, they left them alone.

Even more exhausted after that encounter, Chris wasn't sure that he could get her talking again, or if they needed to wait till the next day. But when they walked back into the kitchen, to sit down. Lorelai just started talking. "I didn't think- I didn't think that it was a horrible idea for Dean to take Rory to New York. I didn't know that they-. Wouldn't make it back. If I had known Chris. If I had known I wouldn't-. That phone call was the worst-. I can't do that ever- again. I can't feel like that every again. It was awful. I hate feeling helpless……… And I have never felt helplessness like that. They weren't-……dead when the police called me. They were being airlifted to the hospital. Chris, I don't know how to recover. This is too big. This changes everything. And makes me re-think…. everything. I can't deal with this." After that Lorelai looked up at Chris, hoping he would talk now, because she didn't know what else to say.

Chris didn't know what to say, he hadn't really expected her to say that much. "Lore, I don't know either, I'm feeling as lost as you. But we have to get through this together. This may be the first time you and I are in the same place at the same time. Let's use it to get through this. I need you too."

"I know Chris." Suddenly she looked around her. There was so much food on her countertops that stuff was piled on top of other stuff. The Gilmore girls were certainly loved. She couldn't doubt that. "It's just when I got that phone call- I can't even imagine feeling that way again. It was awful. I can't even describe it. I was sitting here about to order pizza for dinner, and instead the phone rings and changes my entire life. I couldn't think. I couldn't do anything. I grabbed my keys and left. I forgot to shut the door behind me, I forgot to turn off lights. I don't even remember getting there. All I remember is running through the hospital trying to find my daughter."

"Where was Rory and Dean going?"

"Um, it was their anniversary and he was taking her to a show in New York." Lorelai for some reason felt guilty about the whole thing. She felt like Chris was going to blame her.

"And was it this guys' fault?"

"No, a drunk hit their car and flipped it." Lorelai said, and then looked at Chris. "I'm sorry I let them go. I wouldn't have if I had known this was going to happen."

Realizing that she blamed herself, made Christopher reach out and grab her arm. "This is not your fault Lorelai. I would have let them go. Anyone would have." He said looking her in the eye.

All Lorelai did was nod and mouth ok. But she didn't feel ok. She shouldn't have let her go. "Chris, I didn't know who to call to take me home. I couldn't decide. The doctor wouldn't let me drive home myself, so I had to call someone, and for a moment. Just a tiny moment, I wished that I could call my mother. I wished that I had the kind of relationship with my mother that I could call her about this kind of stuff. I needed her. And that scared me. I have never ever needed her. At least I like to think I don't. Is that crazy?" All of these thoughts and feelings had been on her mind since this all happened and it was really nice to get them off her chest. But she was also revealing a lot of very deep feelings and that was leaving her vulnerable.

"Actually Lorelai, I wanted to talk to you about that," Chris started carefully. "I think that it is natural to need your mother at a time like this. And it's ok to need someone. I've been thinking about your parents a lot, and I can't figure out how to tell them about all this. I was hoping we could go together to Friday Night Dinner tomorrow. Can I go with you?" He watched her while he was saying this, and knew from her expression that she hadn't even thought about Friday Night Dinner.

She didn't speak for awhile. But once she did she said, "How are we going to tell them? This will kill them! Rory was their only hope for a normal daughter and I just stole that from them."

"You did not. This was not your fault Lorelai."

"They will blame me either way Chris. And hold it over my head forever. I can't be made to feel more guilty about this. I can't tell them."

"Lorelai, this thing is bigger then your fight that you have going on with Emily and Richard. It is. They won't blame you. They wouldn't do that. This is bigger. That fight is trivial and juvenile. She can't use this against you. She can't. And she won't.

"Emily and Richard are very headstrong people. When they get hurt about things, they don't know how to deal with it, and so shove whoever hurt them away. They don't know how not to do that. They have been doing it for so long, it's just what they do. They are manipulative because they need to feel cared about but don't know how else to get love. When I decided not to buy into their game, they were hurt, and haven't let me into their lives fully since. So what do you think they will say and do to the person that tells them that their only granddaughter is dead?"

"Ok. They might shove you away at first. But I think that this could bring you back together. You and your mother are not that different. That's the problem, you are very much the same, and so won't buy into each other's games. You need to feel cared about by them for who you are. And you never felt that. They needed a daughter to play their game. The snobby people that are your parents don't know how to be anything else. So when their only daughter disapproved of that, they didn't know how to deal. And they took it very personally because they think that that is who they are. You both need each other. Exactly how you are. But there feels like this misunderstanding between you, when really it's that you both are feeling the same way. You just can't voice that. You need each other. And maybe losing Rory will bring you back together. Maybe you had to lose a daughter, for her to feel truly like you can understand her."

No one had put her mother and hers' relationship in such perfect terms before. She didn't know how to process all that. But it was interesting. And made a lot of sense. There was a lot of common ground between her and Emily. They just could never get to the place that both of them agreed to that. Lorelai had a lot to think about. "Let's go to Friday Night Dinner."


End file.
